the latest

well, today I woke up really early, but I couldn't move. I feel pretty crippled with depression. I started clearing out some things, and I started finding books. I started reading, and just basically felt lethargic. I had no drive. I took most of the day to even go and get breakfast. A few things set me off. Wanting to get up and write, and not having the energy to even start. This is the most writing I've done today. My second mistake was grabbing an old issue of US magazine. This thing put me into a mad depressive state. I'ts a long story, but I like to write stories, and there's this new movie with Anne Hathaway out, and she's gorgeous, but there's sex scenes in it. Now the article was saying how the writing is horrible, but the scenes are hot. It made me think, why bother writing movies, if people don't care about a story. If Hollywood is drenched with sex scenes that override story. It sickens me...Then I go to the Subway, they are playing Hanson's Mmmm-Bop. As a sort of musician that never made it, or never tried hard enough, I detested hearing it. I was like "wow what poignant lyrics". I was even going to run, that usually puts me in a better mood. I didn't even feel like running. things are just nasty depressing. I just have to play it where it lies.

rough day

well, last night was interesting. I woke up at like 3p or so, after a nap. There was a new person working here. He left on time, which was around 10 pm, and I was looking forward to a good night's sleep. Until....Leroy the cleaning guy came by. The name of his cleaning business is OMG (Oh My God) and that's all I could seem to say to my self.."Oh my God when the hell is he going to be done?!?!?!?!?" He had his religious music BLARING. Like he was using the room's sound system to listen to music while he cleaned. and was cleaning up until about 4:30 am, so by the time I finally got to sleep, it was time to get up. I was mad, but what could I do? Tell him he had to stop? I have ear plugs, and I didn't even think to use them. Regardless I had to get up and go to work. It wasn't all too bad I suppose. I got through it, BUT after, like now I was tired, and yet I didn't want to take a nap. I didn't want to get up again at 3pm and be up until 10. I want to fall asleep at 7pm and not wake until morning. So I sit here and drink coffee. I've been reading too. I just can't even sleep if I wanted to. It's sort of torturous.

Crisis Log

I live in a gym, in the side room. I sorta had to. I went to court in November, and basically got evicted. It had been coming for a while. I sort of stopped paying rent, and never caught back up. I fell too far behind. I had all of these Grand plans to catch up. They all fell through. Now I'm here, trying to pick up the pieces. Half of my stuff in in Altamont/Knox, NY. The other half is here, in the gym.
I just got back from a trip Upstate. I stayed at my Father's place. One of the reasons I went is to gather the things that I left there on Christmas. The other was to get away. I am at this gym and it gets to me when I'm here too much. I can't escape the noise. I put in earplugs , but the sound still seeps in. I have to actually remove myself. Part of the crisis is that this is my only income, ok I deliver papers too. With my car. I mean my Dad's car, well it's in my Dad's name but I'm paying for it. That is when I can make the payments. Which reminds me, one is due today. I suppose that I could be thankful for having a job. It's a pretty simple one too. The hours suck though. 5am-10am. I've been doing it since July of 2010. I'm really just sort of used to it at this point.
The crisis part of my life is this.....I used to be in the entertainment field. Sort of. I was a guitarist/vocalist, and now I'm not gigging. I was also doing comedy, and now I'm not doing that. I enjoyed these activities. I sort of have the day gig, so that I can do the other stuff. I'm not doing the other stuff.
I wouldn't have been evicted, had I had a job that paid at least $300 a week, and that paid weekly. This country is very job-challenged right now. Including Upstate NY. People have stopped looking, including me. So I sit here trying to figure out how to get out of my self-pity, and find a way to pay the money back. So there's a slow and erratic growth in the economy. Kinda like me, slow and erratic.